Students Unsurprised to Learn the Air They Breathe In Is Technically a Biohazard
The Center for Disease Control and Prevention has officially identified contaminated Standard Dry Air samples in the hallways of Singapore American School. These samples, primarily composed of oxygen, armpit sweat, Sol De Janeiro, and sadness, represent the singular, underlying cause of distress in the student body. Students have colloquially termed this strain as “school air”.
The effects of this strain, previously misidentified as a form of psychosis, include student-reported burnout, exhaustion, and acute sensation of “feeling unable to breathe”. Students can take comfort in the fact their unrest is merely a product of poor ventilation.
Initial symptoms may present as the following:
Fatigue
Cakey concealer
Unshakeable feeling of doom
Frizzy hair
Upward of 4 absences per course
Teachers, who are seemingly unaffected (one of the universe's biggest mysteries), rejoice at the diagnosis which is indefinitely the only cause of the malaise amongst students. Students, validated by the recognition of their maladies, are ready to return to classrooms rejuvenated.
The CDC is forecasting a swift recovery and theorizes thorough air purification will remedy all preexisting symptoms. Cleansing is set to limit, if not completely terminate, residual symptoms and restore a zest for life students have not experienced for the majority of their academic lives.
Heavy duty adsorption will occur for students above 18 years old on May 26th 2026. Subsequent filtration is scheduled for the proceeding years in the last week of May.
The sun will shine again for students at Singapore American School.