In high school, it seems like every friend group is “rejecting” a new “applicant.” Through an enigmatic process harsher than sports tryouts, The Friendgroup has reviewed your attempt to fit in. We regret to inform you: You did not make the cut (probably for the better…).
Dear Friendgroup applicant #254,
Thank you for your interest in joining The Friendgroup. We regret to inform you that you were not one of our shortlisted candidates.
We must emphasize that this in no way reflects the quality of your work; in fact, the entire team agreed that your demonstrated interest during the tryout period was unmatched in the applicant pool. One member specifically noted the extra step you took in paying for her fruit cup at Café Shiok. While you will not receive a refund, please know that this effort did not go unnoticed.
However, due to the limited number of spots open in The Friendgroup, our search committee carefully considered each applicant’s expertise and how each individual complemented the existing team. Unfortunately, your lack of humor was taken into consideration. Your repeated use of “that’s what she said” jokes and that one time you awkwardly “67-ed” received unanimous criticism from the committee. Please, we’re freshmen; we aren’t in middle school anymore.
Additionally, several members expressed concern regarding the incident where you suggested that Christine wear red on free dress Wednesday. Everyone knows we wear pink on Wednesdays. The committee takes emotionally manipulative comments like these very seriously.
For these reasons, we cannot offer you a position in The Friendgroup at this time. You will be evicted from the Snapchat group chat effective immediately, and under no circumstances should we see you approaching our Caf table.
Moving forward, we request that you awkwardly avoid eye contact with us in the school hallways. We also encourage you to explore positions of interest for which you are more qualified, such as one of the friend groups that sits at the Perch.
We wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors.
Do hesitate to reach out to us.
Warm regards,
The Friendgroup
