The Department of Cultural Revolution
At last, society is finally confronting the greatest injustice: the continued existence of opera and ballet. For too long, civilians have been forced to sit through beautiful live music and centuries of artistic tradition without a single jump cut, TikTok influencer, or ironic one-liners. Enough is enough.
Following world-renowned actor Timothée Chalamet’s remarks, experts have openly agreed that this form of art can no longer hold the attention of someone who gets bored with 30-second videos, and this art should be legally declared super lame. This breakthrough has revealed a far more important truth: celebrities should no longer be limited to acting or singing. They should be given far more responsibilities for what the public is and not allowed to care about. After all, who better to guide civilization than people whose main qualification is looking pretty in photos?
To address this issue, the government has established the Department of Cultural Relevance, with Timothee Chalamet and a rotating council of celebrities serving as its regulators. Their job will be simple: if an art form doesn’t entertain them instantly, it will be removed and banned for eternity from society. And their first big announcement is the abolishment of Ballet and Opera.
The system doesn’t just stop there. The department is already working on removing other confusing and unnecessary things, such as literature, science, history, etc. If Timothee Chalamet doesn’t personally enjoy the Constitution, then perhaps democracy itself has had its moment. Cabinet positions have also been assigned according to relevance. For example, pop stars for foreign policy, influencers for education, etc. Finally, we have come to a time where society will be governed the way it was supposed to be.
Some critics may claim that celebrities shouldn’t be making these decisions, but these critics are trapped in the past. And honestly, they’re the next in line to be replaced by Gen Z influencers. Today, true wisdom is measured by visibility. Why should we trust people in the future of our civilization who don’t have the strongest jawlines and best interview clips?
In conclusion, opera and ballet have officially been banished. This banishment has revealed the problem that society contains too many things that have yet to be approved by famous people. Effective immediately, all cultural institutions are being placed under celebrity control, and any art form that cannot impress a celebrity within ten seconds will be banned. Thanks to Timothee Chalamet, humanity has been saved. From now on, celebrities will move towards deciding everything that's worth caring about, and the rest of us can relax knowing our opinions are no longer necessary.