A Modest Proposal On Toxic Grade Culture

It is a melancholy object to those who walk the hallways of Singapore American School to see peers burdened by the terrible affliction of not knowing their precise class rank at every moment of the day. These poor, pitiful souls lack the constant reassurance of numerical superiority and wander aimlessly, uncertain of their worth. 

I think it is agreed by all parties that the current state of affairs, where students must crane—crane, I dare say—to glimpse a peer’s Powerschool screen, or worse, must actually ask about scores like common peasants, is utterly intolerable in a modern and prestigious institution like ours and warrants immediate reform. 

I have been assured by a very knowing administrator that a young child who cannot perfectly recite their GPA to three decimal places is hardly fit for polite society, much less the elite Ivy leagues. I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection. 

The core to the problem of “toxic grade culture” is clear: students possess an intrinsic desire to prove themselves superior to their peers, yet lack sufficient opportunities to do so. This shortage of comparison creates the toxic scrambling, the furtive glances at screens, and the whispered he-said-she-said hearsay that plagues our hallways. The solution is simple; provide more opportunities for students to demonstrate their superiority, and once everyone can efficiently establish their ranking, toxic grade culture will naturally dissolve. 

And so, first, we enforce Mandatory Grade Displays.

The current system, allowing students to keep their grades private. It’s communistic, that’s what it is. By allowing weak students to hide their failures, we deny superior students their rightful recognition. 

So now, every student shall be henceforth required to wear a digital display upon their forehead, updated in real-time with their current GPA. This solves the terribly inefficient problem of having to squint at someone’s minimum-brightness Powerschool screen. With forehead displays, you can now access everyone’s worth from across the cafeteria! No more awkward shoulder-craning or, god forbid, pretending to care about someone’s weekend when you really just want to know if they beat your chem score. 

And yet, “Privacy!” some of you may exclaim, but what is privacy but the enemy of transparency? And what is it that students desire most? “Transparency.”

Secondly, Professional Comparative Counseling Sessions

PAC but instead of Personal Academic Counselor, think bigger. Think better. Think new PAC, Premium Asian Counselors—Asian mothers with children currently attending top universities who will meet with each student individually to explicitly compare them to high-performing peers. 

“Why you only get A? Sammy got A+ on same test and she also do violin and debate.”  

Currently, students must guess where they fall short; this system tells them directly and with authority, providing the detailed, personalized feedback students clearly crave. Now, students’ mental health is truly supported, because what better supports mental health than finally knowing exactly how you measure up? 

Thirdly, Public Ranking Announcements. 

Each morning, school administrators will publicly name the bottom ten students of each grade. Think of the benefits! The motivation this provides! Afterall, nothing spurs academic excellence quite like public recognition of inadequacy. It also allows for the rest of us to feel appropriately superior, which is essential because we care about our mental health around here. 

Some may call this cruel. To them I say “have you considered how cruel it is to deprive high-achieving students of the recognition they deserve?” These bottom feeders clearly have failed to sacrifice enough—not enough all nighers, not enough skipped meals, not enough tears shed. They require stronger incentives, and public acknowledgement of their deficiency isn’t cruel, it’s necessary and fair. Besides, if they improve, they can certainly escape the list! It’s based on a proven societal concept called social mobility.

Last but not least, the All-Nighter Olympics. 

Oh my, the peak of all spirit days! Since we already celebrate sleep deprivation, let’s make it official. I propose an annual competition where students compete to see who can function on the least sleep. Points will be awarded for the number of consecutive all-nighters, most assignments completed running on caffeine alone, and lowest amount of sleep over finals week.

Winners receive bragging rights, likely a dozen of stress-induced illnesses, and best of all, Eddie cup points!

What a flex. After all, not only do winners prove they work harder than everyone else, but they also help school spirit. Go eagles!

I can now think of no other objection that can possibly be raised about this proposal, unless it is that the number of students in our school would thereby be somewhat lessened. This I freely own, and it was indeed one principal design in offering it to the world for we shall lose the weak. But this is no loss! We shall be left with only the strong, the competitive, the sleepless elite who truly have earned their place. 

Some tender-hearted baboons may object that these measures will increase stress among students. To this, I repeat myself once more. The current system produces stress, but specifically the stress of uncertainty. Students currently suffer, not from comparison, but the insufficiency of comparison. They crane their necks at Powerschool screens precisely because they lack clear, reliable information about their standing. My proposals eliminate uncertainty entirely. When you know exactly where you rank, when you receive professional feedback on your deficiencies, when your GPA is visible to all, this is not increased stress, no my dears, this is clarity. And clarify, is relief.

I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personal interest in endeavoring to promote this necessary work, other than the necessary validation I deserve and the warm affirmation that I, truly am, the best. My sole motivation is the public good, to finally provide students the one thing they truly desire: the sweet sweet satisfaction of knowing we’re better than the person sitting next to us.