Terms and Conditions of Being Korean (That I Clearly Didn’t Read)
We all signed a contract we never got to read. An agreement about our identity–what it means to identify as an American, an Indian, and for me? I agreed to the terms and conditions of being Korean on September 30th, 2008, at approximately 3 hours old.
After seventeen years of the doubt of contract breach, I’m finally reading the fine print to see where I went wrong.
Terms and Conditions (“Terms”)
INTRODUCTION
Welcome, hopeful Korean! By agreeing to this contract, you acknowledge that you have read, understood, and agree to be bound by these Terms and Conditions. These Terms and Conditions unconditionally extend and apply throughout one’s lifetime.
SECTION I: “TERMS”
1.1 – Language Proficiency
User must maintain native-level fluency as determined by service personnel (subsection 1.1a) and distant relatives (subsection 1.1b).
Note: Any detectable accent, regardless of actual comprehension or vocabulary, results in reclassification to ‘foreigner with good Korean.’
Subsection 1.1a: The Service Worker Audit – Any mundane interaction with service personnel (eg. cashiers, taxi drivers) may trigger mandatory Origin Verification. A single stutter during conversation grants them full right to provide unsolicited commentary on the User’s lack of authenticity. Authorized audit questions include but are not limited to:
“Where are you really from?”
“Your Korean is so good!” (delivered with surprise)
Subsection 1.1b: The Relative Provision – During family gatherings, relatives reserve the prerogative to assess User’s Korean proficiency in real-time and issue corrective feedback and comment such as: “Oh, for being a foreigner, your Korean is getting so good!” User is expected to smile graciously while internally processing the implications of being called a foreigner by their own family.
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I remember my grandmother watching me make songpyeon, the rice cakes we eat during Chuseok. I’ve done this tradition since I was little–I know the exact pressure needed to seal the edges, the way to nudge my fingertips and create the signature crevice, the perfect amount of filling to ensure none of it seeps out. The muscle memory is engraved in my hands–the same hands her eyes are tracking every movement of, watching like they belong to a stranger.
“Aigoo, you know about songpyeon? You learned about this in Singapore?” In Singapore. As if these traditions were foreign cuisine I’d picked up abroad, not my own heritage and tradition passed down from generation to generation. “You taught me, Halmoni,” I murmured under my breath. “When I was six.” She looked surprised, then pleased, like she had discovered a hidden talent. “Ah, your memory is so good!” My memory. Not our tradition or shared culture. My memory of someone else’s culture that I’d apparently borrowed and learned to perform.
It’s a strange thing, to feel like a tourist in your own ancestry. To stand in your family’s kitchen making food you’ve eaten your entire life and wonder if you’re appropriating it.
1.2 – Physical Appearance Standards
User’s physical presentation must conform to approved Korean aesthetic parameters:
Skintone: shade #edd3c5, +/– 2 variables (in other words, think Snow White and you wouldn’t be far off)
Facial structure: See Appendix Kpop Idol Jang Won-young for approved proportions. Deviations include: nose width exceeding specifications, non-porcelain skin texture, any deviation from skin-on-bone body type.
Individuals with significant deviations may be audited.
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I’m five shades too dark for the Korean Beauty ideal. My foundation shade is lumped in with western–meaning ‘foreigner’–shades while the darkest shade “made for Koreans” is still lighter than mine. I am, quite literally, off the charts.
Subsection 1.2a: The Mirror Provision – Users may find their reflection inadequate when measured against approved Korean representatives (Kpop idols, actresses, literally anyone in Korean media).
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When I search for someone who looks like me in Korean media, I come up empty. Every actress has flawless skin. Every idol has a perfect hourglass body. I wonder if that’s why it’s so easy for others to question my Koreanness–because they’ve never had to question theirs.
SECTION II: RIGHTS AND PRIVILEGES
Upon careful review, Korean Identity Inc. regrets to inform Users that this section is intentionally blank.
You thought there would be something here, didn’t you? Some reward for meeting the requirements, some benefit for the years spent perfecting an accent and practicing traditions.
This section would contain rights and privileges–if the User qualified for them. Rights are distributed automatically to Users who never trigger identity verification. If one is reading this document, verification has already been triggered.
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I loved the idea of having some place I’d forever belong to. I cherished moments when I’d see the Korean flag, regardless of where I saw it – I liked knowing that I could point and say “that’s my culture!”
Except every time I did, someone would ask me to prove it.
When I was ten, I told a classmate I was Korean. She looked at me skeptically. “Prove it.” I listed everything: I speak Korean, my parents are Korean, I love Kimchi. She shrugged. “Yeah, but you don’t look Korean.” I didn’t know what to say to that. I still don’t.
SECTION II: GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION
Contract is breached and membership may be terminated at any time based on:
Faulty accent detection (see Section I, 1.1)
Failure to meet physical appearance standards (see Section I, 1.2)
Being asked “where are you really from” three or more times in a single day
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The termination clause implies there was something to terminate–some period where my Korean identity was secure. But you can’t revoke what was never truly granted.
Upon termination: User’s Korean identity will be permanently revoked. All claims to cultural membership will be nullified, and User’s relationship to Korean culture will be reclassified as that of an external enthusiast at best (see: cultural appropriator, wannabe).
Note: termination is at the sole discretion of Korean Identity Inc. and its representatives. On grounds of termination, see below for the dispute resolution process.
SECTION IV: DISPUTE RESOLUTION
There is no dispute resolution process.
Note: the Korean passport User clings to as evidence of belonging is accepted at every immigration counter yet rejected at every round dining table. It proves citizenship, not identity.
Now, having read the full Terms and Conditions 17 years too late, here’s what I’ve learned: I was always in breach of contract. The requirements are designed to be impossible for someone like me. Someone whose pronunciation is always questioned, who needs google translate to check for understanding, whose skin tells a story Korean beauty standards don’t want to hear.
But the cruelest part? I knew this. I knew it the first time a relative complimented my Korean like a party trick rather than my heritage. I knew it every morning I practiced pronouncing words in front of a mirror, trying to iron out the hints of awkwardness in the ways my mouth moved.
Korean Identity Inc. designed this system to ensure Users remain in a state of permanent uncertainty. You will never be foreign enough to stop trying or Korean enough to stop proving.
Maybe that’s what I missed for seventeen years. I’ve been searching for a clause that explains what I’ve done wrong–which requirement I’d fail to meet, which standard I’d misunderstood–thinking if I could just find it I could fix it.
But the requirements were never unclear, just impossible. Be indistinguishable from someone who never left–but I did leave. Have flawless skin like Snow White–in the Singapore sun as a teenager undergoing puberty? Yeah right. I wasn’t failing to meet the standards. The standards were designed to exclude me.
So I’m done searching for the clause that will finally make me enough. Not because I’ve found it, but because the contract was never written to include me in the first place.
And I suspect I’m not the only one with terms and conditions that were designed to disqualify.
The specifics change–maybe it’s not about Korean enough, instead not Black enough, not disabled enough, not man enough, not woman enough–but the mechanism is identical.
Different contract, same impossible standards. Different checklist, same sinking feeling. We’re all searching for the clause that explains what we did wrong–when the contract was rigged from the start. Maybe that’s the point: keep us searching, keep us proving, keep us focused on our individual failures rather than questioning who wrote the standards and why they’re impossible.