A Field Guide to the Modern Gym

Thank you for choosing to exercise with us. For those of you who have not lifted before, you might be feeling nervous. That is fair. After all, the weight room is a literal display of power asymmetry, for it is the only civilian space where strength is publicly quantified and arranged in ascending order along a rack. Evolution has yet to produce a species inclined to voluntarily position itself beneath a weighted bar in full public view. Several machines, notably the standing hack-squat, even bear a resemblance to devices last used in early modern interrogations. 

Yet the true source of your nerves will not be the equipment. After all, these machines can only do what physics dictates. Your nerves will come from the silent belief that you are being judged and evaluated. Take a look at the man in the corner who just effortlessly bench-pressed three times your bodyweight. He is staring at something in your direction. He seems to command gravity. You are still negotiating terms. 

But the hierarchy you perceive is largely theatrical. Every person, including the ones who seem to be staring at and judging you, is simply preoccupied with managing his (or her) own reputation. If you study the inhabitants of the weight room, very few are watching you. Most are negotiating with themselves.

To ensure your literal and sociological safety, I will list out several personas you are likely to encounter in the gym, along with a response strategy for how to interact with them—not because they require management, but because your fear of them does.

1. The Mirror Man

His main goal is to appease dates, but after years of training, the sole subject he has appeased is his reflection. His training strategy is entirely focused on the upper body: some designate separate days for upper-chest and lower-chest workouts (differentiated by the position of cable origins on the fly machine). Gaining strength is only a side effect of his weight training program.

Leg days? What is the point of training muscles that are left out by mirror lighting? To some, visibility can function as an alternative currency.

If female attention is what you are after, note that it cares far less about mirror reflections than male attention. 

2. Mr. Clueless

You will see him flying on the elliptical. But he is flying backwards with negligible resistance. To him, the ski erg is used as an alternative to tricep pull-downs. You might also see him hanging on the lat pulldown bar, for he thought confidently that he could do twice his bodyweight without checking if the machine is set in kilograms or pounds.

The gym publicly ranks competence. His actions are a liability not only to his image, but also the literal safety of all those around him. To his credit, he genuinely uses his phone for workout tips, albeit the source may be Instagram.

Don’t laugh at him. Help him. You were him once.

3. The Grunter

The grunter announces each repetition like a church bell. However, his volume bears no direct correlation to weight.

Tennis players back a theory that sound increases power. There is another theory, backed by influencers, that attention does. The Grunter backs both. Loudly. Noise is his way to negotiate the gym hierarchy.

The appropriate response is indifference. No country outlaws delusional dreams in which one becomes Rafael Nadal.

4. Mr. Noise-cancelling Headphones

His headphones are certified safe for airplane engine mechanics. Such technology is not penetrable, except occasionally by The Grunter. After all, Mr. Headphones’s three-hour-long Taylor Swift playlist (supplemented by Sabrina Carpenter) is far superior to the gym’s awkward mix of hit rap and 2010s Taylor Swift on loop.

If you need his machine, gesture politely. There is no point in asking him verbally for anything. 

5. Mr. Cardio

He colonizes the treadmill for forty-seven minutes at a pace best described as contemplative. As he exercises, he passes his time with a Netflix show playing on the iPad carefully balanced on the treadmill monitor. Occasionally, he reminds the machine of his authority by adjusting the incline by one notch. He only stops after at least four episodes, by which time he will have developed four beads of sweat.

If you want to do cardio, simply head outside. Singapore has UNESCO World Heritage-certified shaded trails waiting for you. Pick your favorite. You never have to wait.

6. The Senior Citizen in the locker room

Many SAS students will frequent other gyms across the island. If you are one such student, be aware of the occupants of the locker room. Some senior citizens (as well as upper-middle-aged men), most of them gym regulars, will linger in the locker room unhurried, unbothered, and entirely unclothed. You will quickly learn that confidence is not equal across generations.

These men have climbed through enough hierarchies to feel obliged to modesty within this one. Should you see him, simply proceed with your day. 

7. Mr. Sweat

When I was younger, I did not know the difference between perspiration and precipitation. Neither does Mr. Sweat. He does both simultaneously. Towels, usually only put on benches, must cover any exposed surface within a three-meter radius. But Mr. Sweat does not own a towel.

Mr. Sweat, despite his appearance, is who Mr. Cardio desires to be. Unfortunately, there is an inverse relationship between fitness and cleanliness levels.

Wiping down equipment is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of basic hygiene. Running ten kilometers under forty minutes is not a hindrance to practicing basic hygiene.

8. Ms. Lululemon

Contrary to popular belief, the weight room is not an exclusively masculine space. Many girls will frequent the gym too, often more consistently than their male counterparts. Some will spend over one hour deliberating over her outfit. Yet they will arrive, without fail, in the same Lululemon sports bra and leggings—this time in dusky lavender, exactly two shades lighter than yesterday’s grape thistle. The large Stanley Cup is toned to match, and always waiting at the bottom of the leg press or hip thrust machines.

Note that her outfit choices bear no direct relation to her strength. But also note that dusky lavender and grape thistle will solely be perceived as ‘purple’.

Conclusion:

If all of this feels overwhelming, it should not. Everyone, including the very large man drinking concentrated protein after bench pressing three times your bodyweight, has an insecurity to hide.

Mirror Man thinks you are watching (especially if you are a girl). The Grunter assumes you are impressed. Miss Lululemon thinks you are judging her new shade of light pink. Nearly everyone lives on the belief that they are being observed. In reality, most are not—apart, perhaps, from Mr Cardio, whose treadmill session has now entered its fifty-second minute at six kilometers per hour with an incline recently nudged to two units.

Ignore him. Let him have it. Begin your workout. Follow your plan. Be aware of your surroundings. But rest assured, nobody is watching. The gym is indifferent. It records only what you lift and how often you return.

**While the gym is indifferent to your choice of clothing (or lack thereof), the author would highly recommend that you remain fully clothed in the locker room. You are not at the point where modesty hinders efficiency yet.