A Day In the Life Of The Person Who Thinks All The Time

“A person who thinks all the time has nothing to think about except thoughts.” Bob has taken this as a challenge.

6:59 a.m.

Bob wakes up precisely one minute before his alarm and immediately opens an investigation. Did his body wake him, or did his subconscious? If his subconscious can keep time this well, why did it let him forget the quadratic formula on Friday? What did he ever do to it? Bob lies perfectly still for forty minutes through the alarm’s ringing, interviewing his ceiling. The ceiling declines to comment. Down the hall, his mother calls his name three times before giving up in exasperation. By the time he gets up, he is late for school and no closer to a verdict.

9:26 a.m.

In the hallway, a boy raises his hand. Bob waves back with his entire arm. The boy was not waving at Bob. Bob now has his arm in the air and no explanation for it, so he decides to commit. He keeps waving at the wall, at a fire extinguisher, with all the calm of a man who has always waved at fire extinguishers.

During second block, the teacher hands out a worksheet. Bob spends the period reviewing the footage. Was his wave too big? Too friendly? Was four seconds too long to wave at a fire extinguisher? When the bell rings, his worksheet is blank except for his name, and he has decided to transfer to a school in Portugal.

11:32 a.m.

At lunch, his friends are ordering on Grab and pass Bob the phone. Pizza is delicious, and so is the chicken rice, but the salad is what a Better Bob would choose, and no one has consulted Future Bob, who will be starving by fourth block. He opens ChatGPT and types: pizza, chicken rice, or salad?

Great question! Each option offers unique benefits. Pizza provides quick carbohydrates for an immediate energy boost and emotional satisfaction 🍕. Chicken rice offers a balanced mix of protein and carbohydrates for sustained focus throughout the afternoon 🍚. Salad is rich in fiber and micronutrients that support long-term health 🥗. Ultimately, the best choice depends on your goals!

Bob begins to consider his goals. Does he want to be happy now or healthy later? Is happiness a goal, or a byproduct of goals? Does he even have goals, or has he just been eating lunch for sixteen years without a plan? His friends’ orders have been sitting in the cart while the delivery fee has gone up twice. Someone asks, “Are you okay?” Bob says he is “weighing the long-term implications of lunch.” His friend takes the phone and asks ChatGPT what to do about Bob. ChatGPT says it depends on his goals. His friend asks what his goals should be. ChatGPT says that depends on his values. His friend asks what his values should be. ChatGPT says that is a deeply personal question. His friend closes the app and orders without him. Everyone eats except Bob, who has no lunch, but a very thorough opinion of it.

3:03 p.m.

On the school bus home, Bob boards to find almost every seat empty, which is the worst possible news after an already terrible day. He walks down the aisle reviewing each one. Seat three has a laminated paper that says DO NOT SIT: BROKEN. Seat five has a suspicious stain. Seat seven has a window, but a window seat would trap him if anyone sits next to him. Seat nine is where the loud kids sit, and seat eleven is where the loud kids might move to. By the time he reaches the back, the bus has been moving for six minutes, and he is still standing. He finally sits at seven, decides five was better, and stands to switch. Someone takes seven. Someone else takes five. Bob rides the rest of the way in the aisle, wondering what could have possibly happened to break seat three.

10:47 p.m.

Bob gets into bed and tells himself, firmly, not to think about today. He calculates that if he falls asleep right now, he will get eight hours and thirteen minutes. He asks the ceiling whether that is enough. The ceiling, once again, declines to comment. Fifteen minutes later, he recalculates: seven hours and fifty-eight minutes. Then he thinks about the fire extinguisher. By 1 a.m., he is wondering if he should have eaten the chicken rice. At 2 a.m., he is sitting up in the dark, reading the admissions page of a school in Portugal, and has never been more awake.